Washing an aircraft is a highly technical, intricate and precise procedure best left to unemployed teenagers, burnt-out ramp rats and drunken owners.
According to FAR Part 91, it is mandatory that every pilot flying his or her airplane through a rain shower make the following announcement to the crew and passengers: “Hey, if we only had a box of Tide ® we could wash this thing right now.”
There is no requirement for the crew or passengers to as much as let out a titter or tired laugh at this age-old aviation joke.
Washing any kind of aircraft requires only a few things:
- A water source with a hose
- Soap and a long-handled brush
- Copious amounts of beer
Some people believe that it is very important to cover all static ports and pitot tubes with masking tape. Be sure to leave a long trail of tape so it will be visible to you in flight after you forget to remove it.
Turn on the water, squirt some soap into a bucket and make sure the beer is in good supply and adequately chilled. If you are the kind of person who smokes, this would be a good time to light-up, pop the top of that first beer and survey the job ahead of you.
With one hand holding your beer and the other the hose, shoot water randomly over the aircraft and begin planning your attack. If you are still smoking, use your beer hand to remove your cigarette between puffs. Believe me, if you use the hose hand for this purpose it can only end in comedy and a very wet face.
Put down the hose, open another beer and take a few minutes to find a radio of some kind that you can use to play loud music. Take your shirt off, but leave your Pratt and Whitney hat on to provide sun protection for your bald spot.
By your third beer you should be ready to scrub. Find a local teenage ramp-rat and offer him or her free airplane ride if they’ll wash the airplane. As the teen begins to soap the airplane up this is a great opportunity to take your first of many pee breaks. As you return, be sure to bring a lawn chair.
Sit in the lawn chair and open another beer. If the teen asks for a drink remind him that you aren’t paying him to suck down expensive beverages you are paying for a clean airplane. This will help the youngster later in life and will expedite his or her descent in to a bitter, cynical adult life.
Rinse your aircraft off with hose while sipping on one more beer. It is important at this point to switch hands so as to avoid carpal injury.
By your sixth or seventh beer you are ready to put the airplane, now squeaky clean, back into the hangar. It is probably at this point that you will realize that you washed the wrong aircraft. Normally, you would fix this problem by washing the correct aircraft but you really need a good bathroom break followed by a nap at this point.
The teenager has already left in disgust and the sun is high in the sky indicating that it is time to lie down somewhere. Be sure to take your beer cooler, radio and lawn chair with you as you head to your T-hangar for a well-deserved snooze.
