Wake up, boys and girls. It is time for part two of my history of aviation. Last month we left our story at the beginning of World War II. Of course, I certainly would not make fun of a war that cost us all so much, but you have to admit that a lot of advances in aviation history would not have happened had the war not occurred.
Things in the area of aviation development and engineering tend to speed up when your national survival is at stake and our country was no different than a lot of others during that period – except that we won. So, strap on your leather flying helmets, grab your English to Chinese translating dictionaries, and join me while I recount the second half of the history of aviation.
War and Remembrance
World War II started for our country on December 7th 1941, when air forces of Imperial Japan became lost and confused while on a mission searching for Mothra, who had just destroyed Tokyo. Getting their bearings only after finding a string of mountains “out in the middle of nowhere” and mistaking them for the Fantasy Islands, the Japanese shed their munitions in an attempt to prove their commitment to the ways of peace and understanding. They also shed their weapons to lighten the search airplanes and extend their range in a final vain attempt to find Mothra, who was suspected of hanging out with an even bigger Japanese enemy – Godzilla.
It was an unfortunate twist of fate that our Pacific fleet was in the way and got all bombed and stuff, but this is how wars start – misunderstandings. As an apology, we later let the Japanese totally take over our automobile industry and subject our children to Power Rangers and Transformers. Since we were at war, we Americans, being the goal-oriented capitalists that we are, said: “Hey, let’s go ahead and win this and while we are at it, let’s invent some really cool airplanes.”
Old Oral Surgeons Applaud Decision to Make P-51
It was during the daunting early days of World War II that the P-51 Mustang was invented. The airplane actually went from an engineer’s concept on a Starbucks ® napkin through the CAD system and to the assembly line in less than thirty five minutes. Mustangs were coming off of the assembly line faster than lead-based airplane toys in a Chinese factory.
This was good news for youngsters, who in the early 1940s were being born and preparing for future careers as Oral Surgeons, Bond Salesmen, Internet Entrepreneurs, and Lawyers. Even at that early age they just somehow knew that the P-51 Mustang was an airplane they would want to own in the 21st century so that pretty girls would still want to hang out with them.
Many people didn’t realize then that we were also at war with Germany. The Germans had really cool airplanes and we later found that you can’t dress up a T-6 to look like a Messerschmitt 109 (not to be confused with PT-109, which McHale’s Navy sailed in the Pacific). Air show promoters and planners would later bemoan the fact that you can make a T-6 look like every airplane in the Japanese fleet if you put enough rising suns on it, but if you want to pretend to shoot down a German at a CAF rally, you need the real thing.
World War II ended after the United States invented the television and offered it to a Japanese War Lord named “Sony.” We had already beaten the Germans, so everybody was happy, except the Russians and Chinese, who have been and will always be a major buzz-kill at any party.
As a side-effect of the new television industry, sitcoms about the war were abundant and pilots in our country eagerly awaited a day when they could have TVs in their instrument panels.
Post-War Fun
Aviation history and advancement slowed a little after the war. Everybody was home, actively making future pilots. Airlines were switching from those old, slow, prop planes to jet aircraft that could cross the ocean in only a few hours (if they didn’t blow up) and the VOR was being invented by nerds at Cal Tech.
It was during these heady times right after the war that Americans began to build airplanes that we still pay over a hundred grand for today. Your basic, Cubs, Super Cubs, Champs, Taylorcrafts (named after President Zachery Taylor, who died after ingesting a tainted coach snack) and a whole mess of Cessna’s named after various “lanes” and “hawks”.
Our modern air traffic control system was founded during this time as well when the American public got tired of colliding with other airliners as they viewed the Grand Canyon while smoking unfiltered cigarettes and yelling at their infant children to get haircuts.
Radar had been invented earlier in history when British scientists were searching for a faster way to pop corn and heat scones. The new air traffic controllers had this equipment and while popping a little popcorn and heating their lunches in Tupperware ® containers they noticed that they could see airplanes on the Plexiglas doors. They immediately took their popcorn out and started shouting vectors and transponder codes at these newly-found “targets”. Later, the controllers obtained radios and the aircraft obtained transponders which made the process much easier. The first near-miss was recorded in 1949 when a Trans World Airlines “Strato-Bratwurst” was almost vectored directly into a blob of butter that was running through Indianapolis Center’s screen without a clearance or an FAA flight plan.
Whoopie! Korea!
Military aviation moved into the jet age, beginning in 1950. Following our military’s policy of always fighting in “crappy places to die,” we came to the aid of the South Koreans when they were invaded from the North. The war seemed to be going pretty well. They would attack and we would drive them back across the I-48 interchange. Then, the Chinese decided to get involved when the North Koreans outsourced their military to them.
Some people find it odd that the Chinese used Russian Mig fighters to engage our jet aircraft, but these people are ignorant morons. The Russians had closed their aircraft plants and moved their Mig manufacturing to China years earlier when they realized that giving the jobs to local Russians would result in them earning a living and later wanting Hanna Montana tickets that were never going to be available.
Seeing a wind-fall opportunity to expand their aircraft manufacturing business, the Chinese began killing American soldiers by the thousands. Since none of the soldiers were going to be oral surgeons or bond traders and thus not potential aircraft buyers, the war seemed to make sense to everybody.
After actor William Holden was shot down while trying to bomb the bridge over the river Kwai, both sides came to their senses and decided to remain at war for the next six decades.
If the Korean War had any historical value at all in terms of aviation, it was that John Glenn got to shoot down enough airplanes to be later made into an astronaut and U.S. Senator from Ohio – the birthplace of aviation.
Oh Great… Vietnam!
Aviation history came to a stand-still after Korea and except for M.A.S.H.; no decent sitcoms even came from that era. Fliers in the United States were so bored they began the practice of selling $100 dollar hamburgers at pancake breakfasts just to pass the time until the next war.
It was during this time that Vietnam happened. Not a happy time for our country, but in the airline world an important aviation breakthrough happened when Braniff airlines came to the conclusion that attractive female flight attendants looked even more attractive in mini skirts and white go-go boots. Other airlines followed this exciting trend and by 1968, flight attendants world-wide (even the guys) were shaking their booties and “getting down” while attempting to shout safety instructions at passengers over the loud sounds of the new Boeing 727 “whisper jets.”
The war in Vietnam ended for us and we managed to get out without giving the Vietnamese our auto or our aircraft industries. Continuing the downward trend from World War II and Korea, there were absolutely no good television shows that came out of that conflict.
Hurray! The Persian Gulf!
Somewhere after the bicentennial and today our general aviation industry was at a stand-still. Some say it was because of expensive liability litigation. Others say it was because Cessna had run out of “hawk” names for airplanes at the exact same time that Piper ran out of Indian tribes to name their airplanes after. Whatever the reason, air traffic controllers found fewer and fewer airplane targets on their microwave ovens. In 1980, the controllers got so mad about this that they went on strike. This led to President Ronald Reagan saying “what’s a controller?” The controllers thought this so funny that they later named Washington National Airport after Ron.
Something had to be done to revitalize the general aviation industry in our country so we invented the Light Sport Aircraft. Here are the rules of the new LSA’s should you want to give up on that idea of owning a P-51 and buying one:
- The aircraft must weigh less than Rosie O’Donnell
- They aircraft must not go faster than three fathoms per furlong
- You don’t need a medical certificate to fly one
And
- The aircraft must all be manufactured in countries like China, Blotsvonia, Smurf-land, East Tiki-tackiestan (or any of the “stans”) or the North Pole.
These new LSA rules brought aviation back to life in our country, but led to war when Saddam Hussein would not allow an LSA plant to be outsourced to his country and we had to democratize him – with a stout rope.
Hurray! The Future!
We are facing a brave new world of aviation. New technologies, like GPS have made it possible, using laser guidance, to find Oshkosh without the aid of Lake Michigan or an AAA road atlas. Friendly robots will soon pilot our aircraft, and in fifty years, the government plans on replacing the old air traffic control microwave equipment with a new bamboo steamer made in China.
