Given the fact that we are facing a presidential election, I thought this would be the best time discuss who it thinks would make the best Commander in Chief.
I thought it over and decided that nobody, even the incumbent, really have what it takes to be a great and effective leader of our nation. I’ve also come to the conclusion that we have to go outside our species to find just the right combination of courage, honesty and intelligence.
I think we should elect a dog.
Initially, my Corgi, Chloe was pushing for the job. After all, there is no animal on earth with more smarts and more desire to run things than a Corgi. It was this very intelligence that disqualified her for the job. Chloe realized that the job of president was no where near as fun as chasing tennis balls, and munching on the odd hoof clipping. Sure, presidents get to eat their share of poop, but it isn’t the good kind. Also, they rarely are let outside to pee and when they do, they draw all sorts of unwanted attention.
When I was pondering all the leadership qualities that George W Bush lacks, I came to the realization that golden retrievers have each and every one. We could, of course, extend this logic all the way out to each and every presidential candidate, but since I only have the performance of Dubya to go by, I’ll probably continue to pick on him.
As a matter of fact, if I had the power to do so I would probably replace Dubya with a golden retriever today.
Here are some qualities that your average golden could bring to the job that the current occupant of the White House lacks:
Honesty: Were there weapons of mass destruction hidden in Iraq? A golden retriever could sniff them out and would never say they were there if there was no actual scent.
A golden retriever never sends other dogs to fight for it. A golden defends its territory but would never mislead anybody into fighting for the dog bones buried under somebody else’s yard.
Grooming: A golden retriever almost always looks good; wet or dry, the breed puts on a good appearance. It is never at a loss for the right message and never looks as confused as Bush does daily. I also suspect that golden retrievers have a larger vocabulary than the current president.
Good Habits: Most dogs would never think of messing up their areas. They might poop outside but would never soil their home if they can help it. The entire city of Washington DC is a septic tank of self-interest, poopy-mouthed talking and dirty laundry. It would take a good dog to clean it all up and keep it ship-shape.
Golden Retrievers are better hand shakers than the president and are more personable. They appear more intelligent and don’t have drinking, DUI’s or lapsed military records in their past. Since they can’t speak, they don’t constantly put their paws in their mouths like Hillary and Obama and others do. If a golden retriever barks, it is probably done to warn you of something, not to promote itself.
Of course, they do have sex with subordinates like Bill Clinton, enjoy putting their noses into smelly situations like Congress, and bury their secrets like almost every politician in the United States. I think we can overlook these flaws and elect a golden retriever based on its qualifications, not its draw-backs.
Any dog over six years old that was born in the United States should be eligible. How could a dog possibly do a worse job than Dubya? No matter what you think of the current president (and I’m sure I’ll hear from you) you have to admit that he can neither carry a dead duck in his mouth as he swims for shore nor catch a Frisbee in this teeth during a mid-air jump.
