The Year 2008 in Aviation – A look forward in ironic amusement
Last year’s predictions started off with one about Steve Fossett. I foresaw that he would set a new record by staying awake at a CFII renewal weekend course. He may have disappeared because he was drowsy, but I know for a fact that he could not have died out there on the high desert. I mean, if a pilot like Steve can get lost and crash, a pilot like me should never leave the hangar.
Personally, my prediction for Fossett in 2008 is that he will be found living at Richard Branson’s secret moon base. Sometime in March of this year, Branson will announce his “Virgin Luna” beach motel resort, located near the Sea of Tranquility. Steve is already there setting things up and you’ll be able to buy tickets on Virgin Space Tours soon.
As a side-note, I predict that once the government starts looking for Steve on the moon they’ll probably find the wreckage of at least a dozen alien spacecraft on the surface that they never bothered to look very hard for previously.
Coming to a TV near you soon!
As you know, Sportys Pilot Shop has produced and distributed about three zillion aviation DVDs. Titles have ranged from: “So You Want to Fly Twins” and “Pilot’s Guide to Runway Safety” to “Using the Aft Lav in an Air Emirates Boeing 747” and “Richard L Collins Sings Disco Hits from the 1970s”.
Sportys will announce in February of 2008 that they are releasing another fascinating DVD: “The Fly-School Musical”. The musical will star John Travolta in the leading role of a misunderstood airline captain. Sportys and I both predict that “The Fly-School Musical” will be a real long-term hit that will run longer than and not make you half as nauseated as “Cats”.
I predict I’ll apologize to Travolta in 2008
Speaking of John Travolta – His lawyers tell me that I need to take a moment here and retract all the things I said in last year’s predictions about how lame I thought it was that he keeps dressing up like an airline captain even though he clearly isn’t cool enough to actually be one. I herby apologize for making fun of the way John dresses. It was envy on my part, John, pure envy. If you want to buy an antique airliner and pretend you are an airline captain it is no skin off of my nose. I sometimes dress in a loose shirt and cut-offs and pretend I’m a writer, so I can relate.
Saucers in Waupaca to fight with Ducks in the Dells
This is an easy prediction to make because any of you who have had the pleasure of meeting Trevor Janz know that like me, he already has one foot in outer space. In 2008 illegal space aliens (are there any other kind?) will land their craft right next to the Big Blue Hangar in Waupaca, Wisconsin. Their mission? Who can say? Their intent? Who can tell? How many questions marks can I put in one paragraph? Who knows?
These are the same space aliens who were sighted over Chicago O’Hare’s international ramp a few years ago. They were looking for an off-site landing place for an upcoming Oshkosh celebration. Being wise space beings, they already know better than to try and actually land at OSH. They figure they would either accidentally hit a P-51 or have to fight for ramp space with Travolta’s 707.
It is good that the aliens will be at the Big Blue Hangar because they can help Trevor deal with the biggest problem upcoming in the year 2008 – namely getting a bigger boat for the yearly booze cruise on Lake Waupaca.
The USS Ronald Reagan
Due to the fact that the war in Iraq will be over and global peace will be finally here due to the arrival of our new outer space overlords at KMCO in April, all military equipment will be up for auction on eBay ® in 2008. Our organization will successfully bid on the USS Ronald Reagan, beating out Sir Richard Branson by $200. Branson, by the way, planned on using the aircraft carrier for his new venture, “Virgin Navy”.
Buying the USS Ronald Reagan will be more involved than simply bidding a thousand bucks. As you know, shipping on eBay ® is extra and I estimate that shipping an aircraft carrier, via UPS, to Waupaca won’t be inexpensive. The aliens will help us transport it to Lake Waupaca in exchange for lifetime memberships. You might think we got off cheap, but remember that these particular aliens can live for two million of our earth years and become almost as old as Richard L. Collins.
I predict that the booze cruise on Lake Waupaca in 2008 will be a much bigger success than it ever was before. For one thing, you’ll be able to land your aircraft on the deck. If you drink too much, spend the night onboard. Later that evening, I predict we will begin chunking water melons and paint balloons into town using the forward catapult.
New FAA rules for 2008
The FAA will finally give up on the idea of user fees in 2008. What the heck were they thinking anyway? They will announce in June of the upcoming year that they are going to instead impose “loser fees” on the American public.
Anybody who has had a bumper sticker or t-shirt saying: “If you ain’t a pilot, you ain’t grit” (substitute appropriate scatological word for grit) knows that the words “loser” and “pilot” cannot go together. This means that only non-pilots will have to pay for the air travel and air traffic control system starting next year.
It will be a wise solution to the problem and I predict that there is more of a chance that I will raise my wine goblet from the deck of the USS Ronald Reagan cruising on Lake Waupaca in salute next summer than of the loser tax actually happening.
The FAA will recognize the success of not requiring a medical certificate of LSA pilots next year by removing the medical requirement from all classes of pilot certification.
This will dovetail nicely into their “fly until you die” policy for the airlines. The age 60 requirement to fly a scheduled airliner will fall in 2008 to be replaced by a “if you have an EEG -- You can fly for me!” This new rule will make it possible for airline pilots can fly right up to and maybe a little beyond their own deaths, eliminating the need for a costly pension. This will expand airline management bonuses by a factor of ten and will keep Travolta in the cockpit until “Staying Alive” is more of a career path than a song.
Look for additional relaxations of FAA regulation in 2008. For example, if you hold a valid driver’s license you will be allowed to give yourself your own check-rides. Also self-signed annual inspections of aircraft will be allowed as long as you can write your name (or make your mark) in the aircraft’s log book. This will reduce the stress of either copying or making up the name of a real mechanic for thousands of aircraft owners come annual time.
New LSA developments
The dozen or so companies out there that aren’t already offering their own light sport aircraft designs will jump into the fray and start selling their new products. In the early fall of 2008 I predict that Apple Computers will introduce their new “Fly-Pod ®”. Later in the year the computer gaming people will unveil a new aerobatic LSA called the “Wheee! ®” You should also expect a Tostitos ® LSA, some sort of LSA from the ginzu knife people and a television reality show called “Dancing with the LSAs”.
The Chinese will also begin selling their new LSA in 2008, but it will contain radioactive parts, the seats will be poisonous, and the cockpit knobs will be too easily swallowed by children. It will be recalled and we will have to apologize to them again.
Finally
A new President of the United States will take office in 2008. I don’t know if that will make you happy or sad, but I think you’ll be interested to find out that I predict I will be named the new FAA Administrator. Look for me in a press conference in January of 2008 flanked by my wife, POTUS, and transportation secretary, John Travolta.
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