The Horses are Coming! The Horses are Coming!

          There is no doubt that things in the year 2010 will be quite different than they are today. There will be flying cars, the ability to transport ourselves from planet to planet, about two hundred stores clinging to the now older Wal-Mart like so many remoras on a big low-cost shark, and horses from all over the world will be here for the international games.

          We in Bourbon County will have to re-adjust our concept of exactly what a horse is and what it is used for. Here’s a good example. At the FEI games coming up in 2010 they won’t race the horses around the track and let us bet on them. Also, the horse owners coming from all over the world to our little Garden of Eden will have entirely different ideas of how their horses ought to be stabled and worked.

          According to figures that I have just now made up there will be an additional thirty thousand people and forty thousand horses coming into Paris and Bourbon County for the games. At least fifteen thousand of them are already here, scoping out the best locations and planning at least a dozen international restaurants, motels, spas, and beer fests.

          You may have noticed some of these people as they wander down Main Street in Paris. A lot of them aren’t speaking English. Not speaking English in downtown Paris has become a sort of institution so you might not notice at first that they aren’t speaking Spanish either. A hodge-podge of non-English prattle is happening right on the sidewalks and in the fast food joints of this great area. You’ve got your Serbs, your Croats, your Croat-Serbs and your (god help me) French.

          These people are easy to recognize; in addition to not speaking Spanglish, they are wearing better clothing than us, are driving better cars and their store bought tans are of a higher quality than our store bought tans.     

          Bourbon County is known as a friendly place with happy, warm, loving people and dogs that are so damn cute they just beg to be petted. Because of this, a new-comer from Europe or Asia might come up to you and in their lyrical language say something like: “Hey, you took my seat and that is my meal.”

          These encounters are bound to happen and since we are known as a friendly, puppy-like people you might try to respond in the person’s native language. You will, of course, fail because here in America, we only speak two languages – English and Pig Latin. When you fail at speaking their language it is okay to revert to whatever form of English (or Spanish) you prefer. Just be sure to speak very loudly and slowly. Since most countries outside of the United States don’t allow handguns you’ll probably be safe if you take a few of their curly fries off of the table as you leave.

          Many people have said that having the 2010 games in our Commonwealth is going to be a great way to scarf-down some major bucks. Before you get all up in my face and tell me what a greedy little snot-wad I am for even bring up the subject of money, let me remind you that many of these visitors are from countries that we have beaten fair and square in recent world wars. The ones we haven’t beaten we have saved from a lifetime of servitude and beer fests (are you reading this France?). As far as I can tell, not one of these countries has paid us back financially for destroying their countries when they got out of line. Some countries we’ve had to destroy twice. I say charging a few extra American dollars so they can park their Volvos in my front yard isn’t too much to ask.

          The first thing we should do to cash-in on the upcoming flood of horse people with money is to make Paris a gated community. By that I mean we should have a toll gate at every entrance to the area. Six bucks to get in and twenty to get back out. Parking lots will be set up for the incoming tourists from abroad and will be named so they won’t get lost when they try to find their cars later. I suggest naming the parking lots after famous WWII battles that we won. For example, a horse tourist might hear this announcement from the tram driver (the tram costs three bucks): “Please remember, you are parked in lot Anzio…”

          Next, we should add a tourism tax to every dollar or Euro spent in our community. Hey, Florida does that and they not only don’t have to pay a state income tax, their football team is the national champion.

          Finally, should you happen to see one of our visitors stop at the entry or exit gate to our community offer to clean the windshield of their Volvo or Mercedes with a squeegee and a rag. They do this in NY all the time for big money. Out of befuddlement, they will probably tip you a buck or two.

          By the time the games are over in 2010 Paris can look just like the Magic Kingdom at Disneyworld without those annoying tourists.