Uncommon Sense

To Explore Strange New Worlds…

By

Kevin Garrison

“Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.” 

                                 Unknown

            Last week the search for intelligent life on earth finally came to an end when we found another planet that has a better chance of sustaining it. Only twenty light years away, has been discovered by, of all people, the Europeans.

            That’s right – the same people who brought us the Renaissance, World Wars one and two and invented the surly cab driver have now presented us with another planet.

            This is heady news indeed. The astronomers at the European Southern Observatore telescope La Silla, led by Stephane Urdy, have discovered an orb, circling a red dwarf star, designated Gliese 581 by people who make up weird names for stars. The new planet’s surface temperature runs between zero to forty degrees Celsius, which is somewhere between a horse water trough freezing and a horse being very hot and seeking shade. This temperature range is more than adequate, according to the Europeans, to support liquid water, life as we know it, and the occasional sidewalk café.

            In an amazing display of creativity and thought they have given the new planet the name “Gliese”. Perhaps they can come up with a better name at a later date. I am assuming there will be some sort of reality television show dedicated to that chore. I foresee a show with a bald comedian and about fifty good looking women carrying briefcases that contain possible planet names. Then, all you have to do is vote for your favorite planet name by sending a 99 cent text message.

            Al Gore has shown some concern already for the new planet’s ozone layer. The European scientists have yet to determine if the place even has an ozone layer and there is no supporting scientific research to indicate that we earthlings don’t have something to do with its demise.  Personally, I think it would be a very good idea to start taking up donations right now to fund a one way trip for Gore so he can get the place straightened out before we arrive. I wonder if they like Power Point ® presentations there…

            I can think of hundreds of other people that should be on that first space ark that we send rocketing its way to the new planet. We have already been sending them our television and radio programming. Since they are twenty light years away, they should now be watching the very best in 1987 shows. Ninja Turtles, Smurfs, Married with Children and other classics are invading the planet’s electromagnetic environment. In their world, Al Gore hasn’t even run for Vice President yet and is only a lowly Senator from Tennessee.

            To the creatures of the new planet, Disco music is still alive, Joanie still loves Cha-Chi, and Bill Gates is still just a moderately successful computer geek and not the Master of the Universe we know of him as today.

            To astronomers, twenty light years is just down the block. To the rest of the world it is quite a long distance. If you think going to Ken’s for a gallon of milk is a long distance, it isn’t beans compared to twenty light years.

            Because of this mind-numbingly long distance it is unlikely we will be able to mess with, conquer or pollute this new planet for some time. For now, little Gliese is safe from our meddling.

            Of course, it is possible that they just discovered us and a local politician/know it all is all worked up about the fact that we don’t have enough ethanol in our atmosphere. They may be boarding their ships right now to come over for a visit.

            I welcome our incoming galactic overlords. I hope they bring us new ideas, better television programming and improve our civilization. If they bring a cookbook, I hope it really is a cookbook and if they don’t come in peace I hope they fight like the French and hang tough like British Marines in a raft.