So...



I was on deadline yesterday on a big project. Of course, I set it aside and watched Oprah on TV. It's a damn good thing I did too because she had two guests that changed my life.



Apparently, if you want to get rich, lose those unsightly anal warts and find true love within a week all you have to do is await the bounty of the universe to just flow into you.



Except that you have to do stuff -- but not like you mean it or anything...



Probably the first stuff you should do is buy these two guy's incredibly lamely titled book "The Secret" (and no, we're not talking about the deoderant made strong enough for a man but gentle enough for a woman). Once you get the book, here's how it works.



1. Read the book

2. Automatically become incredibly wealthy and good looking without effort except for some but not too much.

3. Tell others to buy the book.



You don't have to believe in it or anything, according to the authors.



One of the authors was a middle aged white guy who looks like somebody you would shoot dead in the lake before you ever let him climb into your bass boat. He just had this crazy assed look on his face. Kind of like he skipped drinking the coolaid and just chugged the powder instead.



The second guy was african american in appearance with a kind of bemused smile and a continence that looked like somebody had done a bikini wax on his face. He was a doctor -- although I never found out of what and I would never be brash enough to call him a witch doctor even though that is the first thought that jumped from the all-giving universe into my mind as he said his first few inane words.



Basically, here is how it works: we are god. That is to say, middle aged overweight unemployed housewives are god. (something that middle aged married men have known they have thought for years). Goodness and niceness and wonderfulness is coming your way right now. Especially if your life sucks and you are broke or your balding husband has turned to internet porn for his upcoming cyber bootie calls.



Oprah looked like a catfish that had swallowed the hook, the sinkers and both bobbers. And why not? She was rich, proving that it all works!



So. I've given up trying to make money. Trying is the wrong thing to do, according to them. I should just await the bounty of a fruitful and expanding universe.



They actually quoted Yoda at one point (without attribution):



There is no try -- crazy bass boat guy said -- there is only do.



No. I don't despise you poor slobs who continue to try to work and create prose. I pity you. I'm going to be a billionaire by next tuesday -- actually, according to them, I already am and just haven't gotten the deposit slip in the mail yet.



Adieu and may me bless and keep you,

Kevin G